heyalexwilliams:

When I die, put this tweet on my tombstone.

angryshortfemme:

"I’ve never dated a lesbian but I’ve always wanted to"

??????
You’re a man
Why?????would?????a lesbian?????ever wanna date you????
Do you even know what a lesbian is???

What kind of response to “sorry I’m not interested, I’m a lesbian” is this????

elicrotch:

v0ciferation:

checks grades

*bastille voice* how am i gonna be an optimist about this

well if you close your eyes

iwillbe-0verjoyed:

If you think instrumental music is stupid you can decrescendo out of my life

aonomiki:

Your friends are allowed to have friends who are not you. They are even allowed to be better friends with them than they are you.

Your friends are not your possessions, you don’t get to dictate who they can and can’t talk to.

If you think you can, you might just be a problem.

romankyaryday:

you were named after two of the bravest men i ever knew, danny devito godzilla

mr-egbutt:

moc-tod-ffuts-modnar:

faelan01:

mapsontheweb:

Map of European leaders.

this is highly disturbing

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I like this trend. I hereby decree that all maps be replaced with this highly intuitive system.

sniffing:

eating something and then realizing its expired

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thornicating:

thornicating:

my family usually eats bagged cereals (you know, the off brand kinds that taste like deceit) and today my mother came home with 15+ boxes of sugared name-brand cereal, dumped them into my arms, and said “i can’t eat lies anymore, caroline.” 

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